An educational and inspiring guide on how to name your kids ( as ) if you are a Mallu Christian First and foremost, my sincere apologies to my friends and relatives from Kerala

Statutory Warning: If you are not a South Indian it might be pointless reading further.

Extra Statutory Warning: If you are a mallu with the pride of Kerala in your loins, DON’T read any further.

It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and a maze of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry, Kerala, has consented to let us publish this classified Mallu formula, on the naming of Mallu Christian kids.

1. Select a combination of the mother’s and father’s names. eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.

2. The addition of a ‘mon’ (meaning son) or ‘mol’(meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon.

3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl.

4. For the politically correct Keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal ‘kutty’ (child), which can be used for both boys and girls eg: Jokutty, Susikutty.

5. Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo.

6. However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible names eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn’t even sound like a name) or Amit (which is like Northie and stuff!!), then

a) Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.

b) Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene.

c) Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi can pronounce) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!

d) Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn’t. eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.

Note: The use of the letter ‘j’ is useful in the naming of siblings where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.

An afterthought:

Q. What do you call a Mallu kid who sticks his nose / finger into other people’s business?

A. Pokemon